Who am I?

"Heyyy.. how are the preparations going on? All set??"
"Set for what??"
"It's Diwali next week. Won't you buy something for everyone?? Shopping for Decorations n sweets? Rangoli??"
"Ummmm...no. I think I won't."
"But...why?? Ohh OK leave it. What are you planning to do tomorrow??"
"Tomorrow?? Routine... I think."
"Tomorrow is Diwali celebration at office..so many events are going to be conducted... Rangoli making.. painting competition..diya making..gift wrapping..which one will you be a part of?"
"Ahhh...I think I will take an off tomorrow. Yeah. I will take an off tomorrow."

This has become a normal thing for me now... after working here for last four years...n surviving so many years of disbelief and disappointment earlier.. I have become used to it. It's not like I am a sadist and I enjoy spoiling everyone's mood but I just am not made for all this.

Sure festivals bring with them a feeling of joy and hope... brightening our lives with colours and sweets.. making things around us look happy and positive...I like festivities..and secretly deep down I sometimes wish I could also be a part of this crowd and enjoy these days the way they do.. I could also get up early morning to dress up n look normal for once. And in fact I tried it once..n I did fairly well..but somehow couldn't continue doing that.

Many a times this question has been thrown at me..that..what exactly is my hobby?? I don't know how to dance..I don't know how to sing..I can't paint..or cook..or weave..I can't apply make up perfectly.. I'm miserable at all this to be honest. So..what exactly is my interest?? How do I pass my time?? What gives me pleasure n a sense of fulfillment?

I spent my childhood figuring out the answer to this question..I always had a low self esteem because I used to question my abilities..my normalcy..my identity.

Thankfully after completing 24 revolutions around the sun..I finally have an answer to these questions. I am a writer. I write to express..not to impress. I derive pleasure when I'm able to jot down my feelings exactly how they are..and I need no approval this time. I'm not competing with anyone and that's what adds to my pleasure.

Hence I celebrate each day of my existence feeling and observing deeply whatever happens around me.. weaving stories from moments.... moments of success.. failures.. beginnings..ends..joys.. sorrows.. happiness and celebrations.